Crap DVD's to watch whilst drunk

Here's a tip, an obvious one really on how to enjoy the worst of the worst DVD's;

1: Be in the company of good friends
2: Enjoy many alcoholic beverages
3: Don't take what you're watching too seriously

I recently spent a couple of nights watching some god awful DVD's collected (voluntary and involuntary) over time, with my good friend Dez.

Here's some of the discs we watched, leaving out the 'good' ones.



Michael Winslow's Comedy Sound Slapdown (2002); Ever wanted to watch someone have a nervous breakdown live on stage? Now you can! Formally the sound effect wizard from the Police Academy movies, Winslow hasn't really progressed much doing many of his old impressions, most of which are really dated now. Apparently Winslow went to school with most of the wrestlers from WWF, Cheech & Chong, Jimi Hendrix, the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard and Darth Vader! The dvd sleeve states Winslow performs over 10,000 sound effects, an impressive feat if true considering the shows only 59 minutes long (thats one sound effect just under every 3 seconds). We lost interest after the first two impressions so can't really comment.



Hell Comes To Frogtown (1987); Sam Hell (played by wrestler 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper) is some sort of sex offender, captured by the government and sent into the mutant occupied Frogtown to free some captured babes, which he has to then impregnate to repopulate the world! How anyone ever decided, 'yes, that sounds like a good film idea. sign me up' is beyond me but it was surprisingly entertaining.


Attack Force (2006); Oh dear, poor Steven Seagal. Once upon a time he was Warner Brothers golden child making guaranteed hit films such as Under Siege and... er, Under Siege 2 but has fallen into the 'straight to dvd' category. Unfortunate for Seagal he's contractually obliged to make these awful films having signed a horrible Sony contract. Seagal would rather be performing with his blues band 'Thunderbox', something he feels passionate about. Anyway, back to the film. Now overweight and uninterested, Seagal spends the majority of his time in this film sitting down, talking in his best Don Corleone voice. Well, its Seagals voice for about 50% of his scenes, he's dubbed for the other half in a voice not even close to his own. When there is any action its usually involves the younger, eastern European cast of unknowns. The story seems to have been made up whilst they filmed it as I found it impossible to follow, can the alcohol be blamed for that? Apparently not according to this article found on the Ain't It Cool website. I feel sorry for the guy although we did have quite a laugh at Seagal's expense.

American Ninja (1985)

Without a doubt, this is the greatest movie ever made about American born ninjas (yes, even better than the 3 Ninjas quadrilogy!).

Michael Dudikoff (or as I like to pronounce - dudey-cough) plays loose cannon Joe Armstrong, an orphan raised as a ninja by Gandhi (or at least his lookalike).

Unfortunately the young Joe has an accident hence the obligatory 80's defining amnesia plot. Lost and out of control he does the only logical thing and signs up with America's finest - the army, god bless!

The rest of the film is a bit of a blur, I think he gets his pony stolen by some French drug baron which forces Joe to break a few rules and sneak around in his Ninja costume looking for clues, taking out the occasional Mexican in armed combat and uncovering some double crossing traitors within the army.

He has help along the way from his best buddy Curtis Jackson, a pumped up psyched out captain played by the awesome Steve James (R.I.P) - an actor who unfortunately never made it past 'hero sidekick' but certainly kicks some ass in this film (see below).



This film is probably better known for its many crappy sequels, non of which I've seen yet although I'm sure I will at some point.

Anyhoo, find below the trailer courtesy of YouTube - I tried to rip it direct from my dvd but for some reason it didn't work this time.

Enjoy!

Hard Hunted (1992)

This film was given to me as a Christmas prezzie, only because my pal Volare Dez found a pic of Al Leong whilst surfing Google images and wondered, "what the hell?".

What Dez saw was Al Leong in a really crappy looking helicopter, he traced where that came from and this film was the result.

Well, 'my oh my' what a find!

Apart from the superb Al Leong featuring in this film (yes... featuring, with lines and everything!) it also has a mix of Playboy models from the mid eighties dancing about the screen, half pretending to act whilst having a few obligatory topless scenes. The nude scenes don't really have any relevance to the story but are a pretty good distraction!

The story (this is all coming from memory) is something to do with a stolen trigger for a nuclear bomb landing in the hands of the wrong people and a team of busty chicks having to save the day somewhere in Hawaii whilst being pursued by Raven (Al Leong) and his crap homemade helicopter.



The team's guided by the strangest of DJ's, a top-heavy radio presenter who parades in front of the microphone wearing skimpy outfits, unaware that the listeners can't see her. She drops subtle (and not so subtle) clues for the team to follow over the airwaves. The thing I found amusing was when she wasn't in the radio booth presenting she would continue to communicate using the microphone to the people nearby, whether that's just walking by the pool or taking a dip in the hot tub. I wonder if she had a fancy removable voice box?

Anyway, the star of the show Donna (real name Dona Spier, left on the box cover) gets kidnapped during the film and taken aboard a small plane. There's a scuffle in the air and she breaks free, parachutes away and lands with a smack, head first on a rock giving her temporary amnesia.

Ah yes, where would crap B movie's be without the amnesia twist. If you're running out of ideas slap a nice little amnesia into the story, its a good little filler.

She recovers, stabs a guy and the team unites for an 'all mighty gun battle on the beach that puts the Normandy landing from Saving Private Ryan to shame' - na, just kidding! Its a small scale affair. Raven returns to finish everyone off but Donna brings him down with a lucky shot from the conveniently placed shotgun - BOOM!

The big boss (who doesn't really do much through the film, just sits on his yatch drinking champagne) narrowly escapes capture by the coastguards and threatens to return to seek his revenge. The end.

Awesome? Perhaps, perhaps not but its very entertaining if you watch it with a load of mates and have a few drinks. Apparently this is one film from a series by the same director (Andy Sidaris) so I may look into those for future viewings.